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  • Join the army. Visit exotic places. Meet new people. And kill them.

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    • For me, being clean and sober means I'm showered and headed for the pub.

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      • Your phone screen is much brighter than the hint of intelligence in your eyes.

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        • The only more important than your happiness is mine, so get on it pronto.

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          • Man enters a store: "15 liters of wine please".
            Clerk: "Did you bring a container for that?"
            Man: "You're talking to it."

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            • Why is Santa's sack so big? Try to come only once a year!

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              • What did the lesbian female vampire said to a lady in her periods? See you next month.

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                • Your mama is so stupid, last time her Iphone rang, she poked an eye.

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                  • I love oral sex, it's the 1-900 bill that I hate!

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                    • Your momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

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                      • Do you want to see murderer? Kill someone and look at yourself in the mirror.

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                        • I'm so old I can write the same on f*cebook each day. But that's ok. Some of my friends are so old that they think it's a new joke every day.

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                          • I opened Outlook calendar at work today. What a boring version of Tetris.

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                            • What do you call a 90-year old man who masturbates successfully? Miracle Whip.

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                              • Is your name Country Crock? You can spread for me anytime.

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                                • If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.

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                                  • If you're violent, but creative, try paintball.

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                                    • I need hug
                                      (e amount of money)

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                                      • What do you give to a friend graduating from law school? A lawbotomy.
                                        Last edited by Conjurator; 12-17-2018, 08:41 PM. Reason: typo

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                                        • If Snapchat filters taught me anything, it's that some girls look much better as dogs.
                                          Last edited by Conjurator; 12-17-2018, 08:28 PM.

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