Smell Like This

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  • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

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    • WHat did one boob say to the other boob. You are my breast friend.

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      • My wife does not believe that autocorrector changed you're psychic to you're psycho.

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        • It's a miracle! I just turned wine into barf!

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          • I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

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            • I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.

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              • Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left it.

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                • Knock knock, who's there?
                  -Annie.
                  -Annie?
                  -Annie body home.

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                  • I haven't been ignoring you, I have been low-prioritizing you.

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                    • New year's eve forecast: mostly drunk with a chance of passing out.

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                      • She's so ugly, if she's looking for a man to take her breath away, I hope gagging counts.

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                        • Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to whisper a secret.

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                          • What can strike a blonde without her ever knowing it? A thought.

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                            • Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.

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                              • You're so fat you have more chins than Chinatown.

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                                • Do you want to see something really stupid? Just look in the mirror.

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                                  • Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to, you carry on because you have to.

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                                    • Heard about the new drug for lesbians? Tricoxagain.

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                                      • English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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                                        • Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

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