Divorce???

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

I don't necessarily want the her back that I've been married to, and I pretty sure she doesn't want the me that she's been married to either.

I want my family more than I want to be 100% happy. I know this may not be right, but it's my choice. I'm not sure how many people have watched the series Vikings, where Ragnar Lothbrok's life is chronicled, but I know many more have watched Game of Thrones. Well, since I've got into both this past year, and completely caught up, it's made me reflect on my own legacy.

I want my family! That's my legacy. When something's not great, I want to fix it. Not point the finger. But that's where I seem to be right now.

My wife is too busy from 6AM-11PM. With everything she can think of. I've asked to meet with her for the last 3-4 months to talk about moving forward, our needs, what works, what doesn't, that sort of thing. She keeps blowing me off, and not in a good way. Her mom comes over twice a week to do housework, yardwork, small projects, you name it. So, my wife has never had to realize that she has to do all this alone if she's pretending to be divorced. She's stayed busy, as to not address what's going on. There's the dog. There are the kids, pinterest, instagram, FB, and her trying especially hard to connect with our teenage daughter. Then there's me at the apartment.

Last night when she picked up the kids I said, "Nice to see you again."

Her response was, "Oh, ok."

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

Yesterday a friend invited me to a 4th of July party. For those of you that don't know, that's when we kicked the brits asses to claim our independence.

My friends haven't invited me to shit while I've been married. It's been like being in the witness protection program. It's a good feeling to have friends again.

[Lirael7285]

I'm going to be honest here, so you know where I'm coming from with my opinions. My husband was married once before and it ended badly. I have been an active supporter of The Fathers Rights Movement for years because of his situation. You may want to check out their FB page...you'll see a lot of stories similar to yours.
OK, it is my opinion from what you've said that your wife has completely 'checked out' of your marriage. She's having fun pretending to be on her own while still stringing you along. Now I didn't catch exactly what she's blaming you for that she wants you out of the house over it. Is it just because you drank that once? I'd just really hate to see you get strung along if she's just done, ya know? I'm glad you got invited out to a party, as it's important at this point to start having your own life again since she's clearly doing the same. It will probably end up one of two ways. Either she'll get tired of having to do stuff herself (though it sounds like she's got help from her mom) and want you to come back, or she will actually ask for a divorce and be done. I don't think you should put your life on hold to wait it out because she isn't putting her life on hold over it.
Sometimes folks just change. I assure you that it brings you no dishonor to start caring about yourself more. In terms you can appreciate it would not be you that was the oathbreaker. And while I know that doesn't help much, you should know that sometimes there is just nothing you can do to change another person. I wish I could help more, but it's a waiting game and a decision on your part to still try and enjoy life.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

Thank you Lirael7285. I appreciate your honesty. Not the Oathbreaker. I like it. My thing is that with four kids and jobs the percentage of our free time that we'll be in the same place or working together anyways, like transportation, sports, school functions, ballet, graduations, holidays, weddings, wouldn't it just be easier to get along?

[elvin.tan77]

Thank you Lirael7285. I appreciate your honesty. Not the Oathbreaker. I like it. My thing is that with four kids and jobs the percentage of our free time that we'll be in the same place or working together anyways, like transportation, sports, school functions, ballet, graduations, holidays, weddings, wouldn't it just be easier to get along?

That's how you feel buddy. From what we can see, she doesn't seem to share those sentiments. Like Lirael7285 says, it's also important for you to live your life. Sometimes letting go may not be as bad as it seems. How old are your kids? Ever tried talking to them to find out how they feel about the whole situation? Get their feedback too, even if the wife ain't giving you one. Their part of the family as well.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

That's a tough one. As this started in December my middle two and I cried together all the time, "Daddy when are you coming home?" I have a 16 year old that wouldn't talk to me if I lived with her or not, 9, 8, 4. My family is starting to get comfortable without me, and that's not cool.

Let's say I would be 100% happy not married. First of all not true, because I wouldn't see my kids as much as otherwise, and other reasons, but let's go with it. I have always said, and do believe, that I would rather be less happy and keep my vow that I made for life, than to break that vow.

I know when you're not in my position, and some people that are in my position with or without 4 kids, it's easy to say, "Don't you want to be happy?" I'd rather be content, but keep my word and family together.

But I know, work on me.

[Lirael7285]

I know what you mean, and respect you for it. But you've got to consider that it isn't 100% up to you at this point. She's got to want it too. Wish I could help more.

[elvin.tan77]

That's a tough one. As this started in December my middle two and I cried together all the time, "Daddy when are you coming home?" I have a 16 year old that wouldn't talk to me if I lived with her or not, 9, 8, 4. My family is starting to get comfortable without me, and that's not cool.

Let's say I would be 100% happy not married. First of all not true, because I wouldn't see my kids as much as otherwise, and other reasons, but let's go with it. I have always said, and do believe, that I would rather be less happy and keep my vow that I made for life, than to break that vow.

I know when you're not in my position, and some people that are in my position with or without 4 kids, it's easy to say, "Don't you want to be happy?" I'd rather be content, but keep my word and family together.

But I know, work on me.

What Lirael7285 says is very true. Remember, it takes 2 to clap. When my ex wanted a divorce, I wanted to work it out between us. She however refuses and would not sway from her decision. IF you have done all you could do and yet there is no reconciliation, you would not have broken your vow. From what I can see, things have already come to a pretty low stage no matter what you do or try and do to salvage and save the marriage.

I'm not trying to discourage you from trying. By all means, do what you can to save the marriage, but I just want you to prepare yourself for the possibility that you are unable to do what you set out to do. I didn't have kids, (well how could we when she ain't interested in having sex), but as long you make yourself available to them and reassure them of your love for them, I feel that's the most important thing for them.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

I didn't have the kids this weekend, but we live in the same city. So, Saturday morning I asked her via txt if they wanted to do something together. Maybe 5PM I get a txt back that says- I've been off the phone. I'm not ignoring you.

So, I haven't talked to her since. If that even counts as talking. But you know it's always in my mind, how much, if and when we talk. I wonder if she thinks of me at all. The way I've been treated I highly doubt it. Kids come over today, so I'll see my wife in passing.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

I'm not sure if it's the separation, the pheromones, or the fact that I've been talking to women I meet on Craigslist, but I feel like a completely different person. I've even had people at work ask my employee about me. I'm sure it's a combination of everything. And yes, I know the CL thing is sad. But to be honest PXS is the best thing I've discovered in a long time.

[elvin.tan77]

People change during hard times. The better question would be, is it for the better or for the worse?

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

well, elvin.tan77 I think it's for the better. I actually talk to people now. I don't just walk around like a shell of myself. I just had this talk with my employee, about what if anything has she noticed different about me since I was separated. Of course, the main thing that keeps coming up is I talk. It could be the mones, and it could be that I know my opinions are valid now. Unlike living in the house with someone who is never, ever wrong.

[kingtut savage]

Damn Ragnar Lothbrook that's that hurt. I couldn't imagine what I would do if something like that happened to me, although my folks had a situation nearly identical when I was growing up.

[elvin.tan77]

That's good news Ragnar Lothbrook . Keep up the positivity and positive changes.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

No matter how much freedom, or fun I enjoy lately, I still miss my family. That goes for her too. I know I don't exactly miss her. But, I do miss the thought of her being reasonable enough with me to get along. The sad thing is last time we talked, she said some people just bring out the worst in each other. She's resigned to this defeatist mentality that this generic statement is our truth. It's not even an argument It's some absolute in her mind that won't ever be changed. Get this, she's also said that she hasn't noticed any change. Well, she's never around me at all to notice a change. And this implies that I needed changing for things to work. I agree I was in a father, husband, worker drone rut that I couldn't control. But now I know that, and I'm busy being me. How do you deal with someone who's always right, even when they're wrong?

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

And back to Divorce- I guess you can do it two ways? Fill out paperwork together on your own. Or, through the court system. I've told her that if we're getting a divorce, we're not teammates anymore. Meaning, I won't work with her for shit. But, I don't got the bread for a trial and lawyer. Or, at least I don't think I do.

[elvin.tan77]

Chill bro. Don't let her ruffle your feathers. There are some out there that just love to see others squirm. So chill, go get a drink settle down. Have a spritz of Thinker and think bout what's your next plan. Missing your family and kids is only natural. It shows that your feelings for them are real.

As for divorce procedure, I'd suggest that you do some research since it can be different. Read up, find out more, weight up your options, have an additional spray of Cohesion and Thinker and see what comes along.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

Thanks elvin.tan77. Thinker's not on your signature though. Have you tried it?

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

Instead of thinker, how about just some good weed to stimulate the mind? Shit, where I live it's probably cheaper than thinker.

[elvin.tan77]

Nope but read bout it here.

[Ragnar Lothbrook]

Where I live you can get attorneys and go to court, or you can do your own paperwork. Here's my dilemma. I'm sure I don't got the bread to go to court, but if she's quittin me and I'm quittin her there's no way in hell I'm sitting down to collaborate with her. She wouldn't be on my team anymore, ya know? I feel like if we were able to do that, why the fuck wouldn't we collaborate on making this shit work out? Plus, we have car payments, house payments, medical bills, I'm sure she has credit or retail card debt, plus 4 kids. I think the legal system is the only way to go here, but I don't got the money.

Yesterday she put my cat to sleep. I had this cat from her infancy, and 5 years prior to meeting my "wife." My cat still lived at the house, so I hadn't seen her in months. I guess she recently went blind and had been pissing and shitting on her self as well. Anyways, I had no update on this. I just got a call at work asking if I wanted to know if they were going to put her down. And that is how I find out all of this? And I couldn't go see her, pet her, or talk to her to comfort her in her final hours because the "wife" was dropping off 3 of my daughters with me, and she didn't want them involved in this But she and my oldest went to the vet? Figures. That's the most important relationship for her. I had my cat 5 years before I had kids or a wife. So fucking inconsiderate.

If you want a relationship to work it has to be the most important relationship in your life. More than work, siblings, parents, or even kids. Your kids and extended family will always be there. You have to try and show effort for your spouse, or you'll end up in this mess.

I love my kids! But, don't get married. Don't have kids. Yes, I'm jaded, but you would be to if you got a bad one that you couldn't help. Problem is she's great to everybody else- considerate, kind, selfless. But to me, the opposite. I call a do-over.