Marital tips and tricks

[KateD]

Hi am Kate and I been married for about 8 years. This year October will make 9.

Two kids later and I feel like I still don't get my husband.

I have been in relationships before and I know I was young but looking back, I feel like they were a lot easier to understand than he is.

We had a bad 2 years to say the least, very rough. Since we moved in March, I feel like things have turned around. He is definitely trying more. Our home is a nicer one.

Business and everything took a dive after Covid19 but he is doing some gardening and still pressing on to bring home the bacon. Some days are ok but these days or most days we are barely making it.


He is doing better with responsibilities and trying to do tasks and stuff but I feel a great distance between us. When I try to reach that gap, he reciprocates but it feels very mechanical.


I feel the connection lost. I myself suffering from lots of insecurities from just having two babies in the last two years and the emotional rollercoaster we been on for so long.

However, I know he is a good man so I want to fight for my relationship and family. I figured the best thing to try to understand him is to get advice from the men here.

I know what you guys gonna say but trust me. I have asked him and he is always in his head and he is the type of person to tell you what you want to hear cuz he doesn't want to offend you than the truth.


I would like an open , honest even if it seems harsh discussion, thoughts , experiences to see what works. I know it will take time but my attempt is to crack the code when it comes to understanding this man of mine.

[Coconut]

well i would say i am in the same boat as you, although i have been married 27 years now with 2 grown up daughter/boy, so i have never really felt much contact like when we are out no hand holding or arms around neck etc, but today i wore one spray of cohesion for men on neck and 2 hours later while walking round town, he suddenly spontainsly put his arm round my neck while walking!
so give it a try!
i can still smell it now after a shower, so will see what the night brings lol!

[Muestereate]

The difference between male and female psyche is still a very broad chasm. I was just reading a book review for a book I'm thinking about to try understand women. In particular I am trying to understand how their Journey through life changes. We men go through multiple changes over the course of our lives, Women go through changes as well.

Though we have differences, we both have dreams. I think both men and women build a set of platforms to reach for those dreams. But the platforms crumble before we get there, we fall a bit, gather up what is still good and build a bigger better platform. In between these structures there is a time when we don't think we have anything good left to build the next step. A feeling of being alone during these collapses is common. Often what wee need to lift ourselves is not a woman but another man. An older man, a mentor, someone that is up on the next platform that will try to show a man how he got there.

But the woman is not of zero use of course, How one builds a platform requires rules. Morals if you will and women and men build morals differently. we also need these boundaries because when we are in the pit, feeling alone and in the dark this moral structure grounds us and gives us something to build around, to grab onto, to ground to and not feel so alone. But, Moral structures evolve also but instead of crumbling down they are more like rotten fruit. They are young bright and shiny and promising but then like an old banana, eventually become over ripe and bruised from handling.
This is not a time for lacivios instability but time to send signals of strength. Womens moral to be of any use should like a nice piece of fruit be pretty firm with a little bit of give when you squeeze.

I have become aware that womens morals are based loosely on responsibilities and a man's moral are based on justice. A man takes on responsibilities but only it seems if they are also just. It takes at least two pillars to hold up a porch and at least three to hold up a platform.

If any of this sounds of interest to you and a possible answer to your queries. you may look into https://www.amazon.com/Seasons-Mans-.../dp/0345339010 for an outline of male maturity and https://www.amazon.com/Different-Voi.../dp/0674970969 to look into the development of the woman and see if you can put something together.

I'm sure we can find a few pheromones to send the right signals once we agree on what the right signals to send are

[KateD]

The difference between male and female psyche is still a very broad chasm. I was just reading a book review for a book I'm thinking about to try understand women. In particular I am trying to understand how their Journey through life changes. We men go through multiple changes over the course of our lives, Women go through changes as well.

Though we have differences, we both have dreams. I think both men and women build a set of platforms to reach for those dreams. But the platforms crumble before we get there, we fall a bit, gather up what is still good and build a bigger better platform. In between these structures there is a time when we don't think we have anything good left to build the next step. A feeling of being alone during these collapses is common. Often what wee need to lift ourselves is not a woman but another man. An older man, a mentor, someone that is up on the next platform that will try to show a man how he got there.

But the woman is not of zero use of course, How one builds a platform requires rules. Morals if you will and women and men build morals differently. we also need these boundaries because when we are in the pit, feeling alone and in the dark this moral structure grounds us and gives us something to build around, to grab onto, to ground to and not feel so alone. But, Moral structures evolve also but instead of crumbling down they are more like rotten fruit. They are young bright and shiny and promising but then like an old banana, eventually become over ripe and bruised from handling.
This is not a time for lacivios instability but time to send signals of strength. Womens moral to be of any use should like a nice piece of fruit be pretty firm with a little bit of give when you squeeze.

I have become aware that womens morals are based loosely on responsibilities and a man's moral are based on justice. A man takes on responsibilities but only it seems if they are also just. It takes at least two pillars to hold up a porch and at least three to hold up a platform.

If any of this sounds of interest to you and a possible answer to your queries. you may look into https://www.amazon.com/Seasons-Mans-.../dp/0345339010 for an outline of male maturity and https://www.amazon.com/Different-Voi.../dp/0674970969 to look into the development of the woman and see if you can put something together.

I'm sure we can find a few pheromones to send the right signals once we agree on what the right signals to send are

Thank you for your reply. First I was totally intrigued that you are writing a book on how to understand women or did I read that statement wrong. Are you writing this book because you feel most women don't understand women and you want to offer your insights because it will definitely help with relationships.

At the end of the day, the world is made up of relationships. So if we can understand each other better. I am all for it.

I got a bit lost at some of things you said so I am seeking clarification :

In a nutshell, are you saying that men and women journeys are pretty much the same but the way they go about it are different. For a woman, her journey and how she may undertake her journey is based on responsibilities. Husband, Children, Parents, Siblings.

Because if a woman is single and no kids then she only has a responsibility to take care of herself or maybe her parents or siblings depending on the family structure.

I always understood that a man is a provider more than anything else and what he does is based on trying to provide for his loved ones. I really don't understand the justice part of it.

Can you please explain.

I mean you used the word morals but isn't that saying the same thing. A single woman like a man would live life in a certain way because they have no responsibilities of children and family. However, when marriage and kids come in then priorities change and men and women view how to go about managing and handling it differently

[KateD]

well i would say i am in the same boat as you, although i have been married 27 years now with 2 grown up daughter/boy, so i have never really felt much contact like when we are out no hand holding or arms around neck etc, but today i wore one spray of cohesion for men on neck and 2 hours later while walking round town, he suddenly spontainsly put his arm round my neck while walking!
so give it a try!
i can still smell it now after a shower, so will see what the night brings lol!

27 years of marriage. Wow! that is amazing. With that much experience you definitely have a lot of advice and insight to give us newly married cats.

Compared to 27 years my love, 8 years is nothing and 6 of those 8 years were spent apart. He was studying abroad so we only living fully together for about 2 years.


If it is not too much, can you tell me some of the challenges you had in your early marriage or in your marital life and how you over came them.

[Coconut]

The biggest challenge was when i was first married at 23 and gave birth to my first daughter who is Autistic and now a man, it was a challenge for both us, i had to take her to specialist and doctors etc because we knew something was wrong but didn't know what, so we finally found out when she was 3, so then i had to spend sevral years taking her to speech therapy, and other specialists 3 times a week, so that was a huge challenge that we both over came, by sticking by each other, also i love doing crazy stuff which is part of my personality (odyssey), that makes my hubby laugh!
we got by, by sticking together through the tough times!
i know a lot of people who probably would of broke up.

[Muestereate]

Not writing a book, I said I read a book review. I didn't make it clear. It was a book I was about to purchase and not one I am about to write. I already finished that.

[KateD]

lmao

[Coconut]

Not writing a book, I said I read a book review. I didn't make it clear. It was a book I was about to purchase and not one I am about to write. I already finished that.

I think this would go nicely with your book lol!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7mI-HYHDbM

[Muestereate]

I was trying to address the idea that marriage is a life long journey. I was also addressing that even though you take the journey together, a man's and a woman peaks and valleys are not in synch. Not only are they not in synch but each see's the world from a different viewpoint.

I'm not sure I can ever really see the world as a woman see's it but I have been studying the journey of life in general for about ten years ago. I started to see a certain rhythm to it. About 5 years ago I became convinced that a woman's journey is different. I didn't find much of use in any pop literature. I have started to find some useful information at the boundaries between anthropology and psychology. I've never studied anthropology but some stuff I learned in Sociology has anthropology roots so it is making some sense

I have learned a lot about women through the use of pheromones, a lot! But I need to learn even more. Post menopausal women have different drives than premenopausal women and my targets are post menopausal women and all the stuff I've learned about picking up women applies to younger women. If I can learn what makes post menopausal women tick, perhaps I can use my pheromones more effectively.

A lot has been written about developmental psychology of the young but surprisingly little about late stage life. A lot of the valleys both sexes find themselves in any stage of life in need help to get out of. Your husband is probably trying to crawl out of the valley and build a platform to propel both of you to the next stage of life. I can imagine between the storms you have written about and now this covid putting things on hold that he is a bit bewildered and lost. I would be feeling about this point that life is not fair. I can imagine having a lot of other feelings and thoughts as well. We don't share these things because we don't want to weaken the pole we are leaning on. So a man often needs to have another man, a sort of mentor that has crawled out of the same pit. Does he have any older men in his field of studies or similar whom he respects that he could cultivate a friendship with?

[KateD]

I was trying to address the idea that marriage is a life long journey. I was also addressing that even though you take the journey together, a man's and a woman peaks and valleys are not in synch. Not only are they not in synch but each see's the world from a different viewpoint.

I'm not sure I can ever really see the world as a woman see's it but I have been studying the journey of life in general for about ten years ago. I started to see a certain rhythm to it. About 5 years ago I became convinced that a woman's journey is different. I didn't find much of use in any pop literature. I have started to find some useful information at the boundaries between anthropology and psychology. I've never studied anthropology but some stuff I learned in Sociology has anthropology roots so it is making some sense

I have learned a lot about women through the use of pheromones, a lot! But I need to learn even more. Post menopausal women have different drives than premenopausal women and my targets are post menopausal women and all the stuff I've learned about picking up women applies to younger women. If I can learn what makes post menopausal women tick, perhaps I can use my pheromones more effectively.

A lot has been written about developmental psychology of the young but surprisingly little about late stage life. A lot of the valleys both sexes find themselves in any stage of life in need help to get out of. Your husband is probably trying to crawl out of the valley and build a platform to propel both of you to the next stage of life. I can imagine between the storms you have written about and now this covid putting things on hold that he is a bit bewildered and lost. I would be feeling about this point that life is not fair. I can imagine having a lot of other feelings and thoughts as well. We don't share these things because we don't want to weaken the pole we are leaning on. So a man often needs to have another man, a sort of mentor that has crawled out of the same pit. Does he have any older men in his field of studies or similar whom he respects that he could cultivate a friendship with?

OK super clear now.

Yes and No. He has a few that are older that gives him advice but you can only get advice if you seek it. Plus,he has both and I think he tends to lean towards people who tend to cheer him on regardless.

Like he is looking for people to tell him he doesn't need improvement he is just fine how he is. He tends to lean towards those more

[Muestereate]

If he is in a sort of transition, Non judgmental peers are exactly what he needs. While we are in transitions we are changing and to change we need to be free and to feel free we need lack of judgment. This does not need to be 24/7 of course. The non judgment zone has boundaries where free exploration takes place. I have several good friends where we josh each other about each others quirks and shortcomings and share our own. My safe zone has an infamous gang of four. We get a bit feisty and we protect each other from each others harshest barbs and steer it back into safety. These periods of transition in total can be 3 to 5 years and the deepest part of the valleys are like 6 months to two years out of that 3 to 5 year period.

Now once a person emerges from that transition, different sort of peers are required, THEN we need people to hold out feet to the fire. In the transition we form a vision of, "what comes next" and THERE we need to perfect and enlarge this new platform. A lot of these platforms are good for about 10 years as long as some disaster doesn't force something. This year is one of those years when a majority of people's lives are being reshaped. When this platform is built, For a while we can coast a bit, at least I do, it's nice but it doesn't last forever.. And then that platform becomes too small or weak or eroded and another transition starts. Another dip, Another revaluation, another need for a safe zone, another bit of creative problem solving another salvaging, scrapping and rebuilding.

[KateD]

Loving this, keep them coming.

[KateD]

If he is in a sort of transition, Non judgmental peers are exactly what he needs. While we are in transitions we are changing and to change we need to be free and to feel free we need lack of judgment. This does not need to be 24/7 of course. The non judgment zone has boundaries where free exploration takes place. I have several good friends where we josh each other about each others quirks and shortcomings and share our own. My safe zone has an infamous gang of four. We get a bit feisty and we protect each other from each others harshest barbs and steer it back into safety. These periods of transition in total can be 3 to 5 years and the deepest part of the valleys are like 6 months to two years out of that 3 to 5 year period.

Now once a person emerges from that transition, different sort of peers are required, THEN we need people to hold out feet to the fire. In the transition we form a vision of, "what comes next" and THERE we need to perfect and enlarge this new platform. A lot of these platforms are good for about 10 years as long as some disaster doesn't force something. This year is one of those years when a majority of people's lives are being reshaped. When this platform is built, For a while we can coast a bit, at least I do, it's nice but it doesn't last forever.. And then that platform becomes too small or weak or eroded and another transition starts. Another dip, Another revaluation, another need for a safe zone, another bit of creative problem solving another salvaging, scrapping and rebuilding.

I have been reading a lot on the internet about mistakes that we women make with men. I am going to put some of them in my own words

1. We nag them too much
2. They feel like we always trying to change them
3. They feel our methods or approach we use isn't gentle enough
4. They feel judged all the time etc

Let us be frank, I feel like as a woman judged too, obviously in a different way. So many men leave their wives, partners cheat because they put on weight especially after pregnancy or something trivial like looks, or when you go through a hard time.

In my humble opinion it puts this pressure on us that we have to be perfect even in less than perfect conditions but yet we see it as a challenge to improve and do better.

Why do males see us trying to point out ways to improve or do better as such a negative and frustrating thing

It makes them seem a bit weak and immature. I know am suppose to be more patient and trying to understand their nature but for me its like after a whole day of work, kids, chores and helping to make decisions for our future I don't want to sugar coat things and wait forever. I want to be able to just be like look listen this is what we need, this is what I expect and he takes it how he suppose to

Also, if you tell a person something in the nicest way 10 times and they don't do it and you keep telling them is nagging but if you don't say it or bring it to their attention it never gets done or you have to do it yourself what is the solution.


I wonder if putting these theories out there about nagging and non judgemental zone is creating a mind set that we should seek to eradicate.

The mind set that you are a man. The King of your domain and so you need to man up and rise up to the challenge no matter how hard.

Is that a bad or unrealistic concept?

[Muestereate]

All 4 of those things have something in common. A desire to be in charge. As if things were only a certain way all things would be fine and the woman or man as the case may be, would be happy. But happiness is an inside job, we cannot depend on others to make us happy. We have to find ourselves and live true to ourselves. That goes for both man and wife. Each has to give the other the freedom to follow their own soul and become the person they are destined to become. One human being is not in charge of another. That is slavery or indentured servitude. It's hard enough for ourselves to follow our path let alone when someone seems hellbent on pushing us off of it.

[Coconut]

I think things became easier for us since the kids have grown up and left home, now we both can enjoy being together like we did before we had kids, we have soo much freedom and no stress from kids crying, carrying around all the essentials for the kids and babies around with us, no more baby sitters, no more being forced to book holidays during july or august, basically we can do what we want now, and that has taken a big strain off us!

[KateD]

I can imagine

[Muestereate]

Why do males see us trying to point out ways to improve or do better as such a negative and frustrating thing

As I said, if he is in a transitory phase of life as i suspect, he has to find his own path, not yours. Why somebody feels a certain way is their business and can take a life time of personal introspection if they are even inclined to introspection.

I think one of the attractions of pheromones is that it gives us power to change people's feelings but most of us kinda keep our usage secret because we know that if others know we are trying to manipulate their feelings they will and can resist. we need to be cautious with peoples feelings, we need to allow them to have them, they are after all, theirs.

Intact and integrated emotions are necessary to survival, they provide two basics that we cannot live without. They monitor our basic needs and they provide the motivation to act.

I was raised in a home where I was not allowed to have certain feelings. I learned to suppress them and deny them. In later life they festered and I see now they ruled my life in negative ways. What we repress into our subconscious rules us until it is exposed. It can create severe mental health problems that require professionals to untangle. All people have to endure others trying to restrict their emotions and we men even do it ourselves to appear stable. But at the extremes, professionals term this as emotional abuse and it can rob a person of the will to act and even the consciousness of reality necessary to survive.

[KateD]

All 4 of those things have something in common. A desire to be in charge. As if things were only a certain way all things would be fine and the woman or man as the case may be, would be happy. But happiness is an inside job, we cannot depend on others to make us happy. We have to find ourselves and live true to ourselves. That goes for both man and wife. Each has to give the other the freedom to follow their own soul and become the person they are destined to become. One human being is not in charge of another. That is slavery or indentured servitude. It's hard enough for ourselves to follow our path let alone when someone seems hellbent on pushing us off of it.

I totally get what you are saying. Most times we know what we want and who we are. The other person in the relationship doesn't and instead of helping or leaving them to come into their own we push because we are impatient and we are looking for that set of control. We are looking to place order in our home with rules but they only serve to make someone feel repressed and bullied.

[KateD]

As I said, if he is in a transitory phase of life as i suspect, he has to find his own path, not yours. Why somebody feels a certain way is their business and can take a life time of personal introspection if they are even inclined to introspection.

I think one of the attractions of pheromones is that it gives us power to change people's feelings but most of us kinda keep our usage secret because we know that if others know we are trying to manipulate their feelings they will and can resist. we need to be cautious with peoples feelings, we need to allow them to have them, they are after all, theirs.

Intact and integrated emotions are necessary to survival, they provide two basics that we cannot live without. They monitor our basic needs and they provide the motivation to act.

I was raised in a home where I was not allowed to have certain feelings. I learned to suppress them and deny them. In later life they festered and I see now they ruled my life in negative ways. What we repress into our subconscious rules us until it is exposed. It can create severe mental health problems that require professionals to untangle. All people have to endure others trying to restrict their emotions and we men even do it ourselves to appear stable. But at the extremes, professionals term this as emotional abuse and it can rob a person of the will to act and even the consciousness of reality necessary to survive.

When I read your last two posts I think I get it. Even based on the terms and words you used and the words he used. I was totally thrown off when he would snap at me and in my mind. All am trying to do is come to a conclusion based on our family goals and future. It seems pretty basic to me, heck it seems super basic to all my female friends.

In everything there has to be balance. How do you wait for someone to figure shit out forever when you have a family and there are things to be done, goals to be met?

[Muestereate]

By explaining transitions, their repetitive nature, what goes on before during and after them; I would hope you can justify patience. I did not say these transitions are forever but a normal part of a maturing man. if logic and reason are not enough, consider love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

[KateD]

By explaining transitions, their repetitive nature, what goes on before during and after them; I would hope you can justify patience. I did not say these transitions are forever but a normal part of a maturing man. if logic and reason are not enough, consider love.

Well said and you definitely schooled me on this. LOVE IT!

Listen, if I never appreciated you before and I do , I appreciate you even more.

This was a nice reminder and it made me smile from ear to ear.

I hope this reading learnt as much as I did or least got a reminder because we tend to forget.


I would love to hear all the men's feedback and of course the ladies too, married, divorced , single

[Muestereate]

Oh , I will cede my time to the men that say, more and more and more sex

[KateD]

ahahahahahaah