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Should I let this go....?

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  • Should I let this go....?

    I have an ex who I may or may not want back....I ended things late last year, but we wanted to stay in each others' lives as friends.... He has a new girlfriend whom he said that he hasn't told her that he + I were serious.... He just told her we went on a couple of dates + decided to be better as friends.... I have told him that he shouldn't do that + tell her straight up that we been serious.... He also said if I was around her to not mention anything about having been together.... He said that the girlfriend probably has suspicions that we had been together because she has referred to me as his "asian girlfriend" from time to time....He said isn't lying to her because she never asked...He said he'd tell her if she asked..... But, I told her this is something he should tell her without her asking if I were to be in his life.... I told him if he won't tell her then I will not be part of his life.... He says he cares about our friendship very much + for me to just think about what I am trying to ask of him + be reasonable....My question is am I wrong/crazy for thinking he should tell her upfront without her asking? I really would like him in my life, but just seems like trifling that he won't tell her about past relationship....I'm not wanting him to go in details about the us dating, but just he tell her once so she knows for sure....
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  • #2
    This one seem like a fuckboy.
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    • #3
      I definitely want to hear some male takes on this....
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      • #4
        I think you need to distance yourself emotionally from him. He won't tell her he's still close friends with an ex because it's a bad look for him. I don't think there's any way to verify if he actually did anyways so there's no reason to get worked up by it.

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        • #5
          So, this might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think this is even realistic:

          I ended things late last year, but we wanted to stay in each others' lives as friends
          You can't cross the friendship line and go back to being "just friends" with just platonic feelings. You have to think about the context in which you two wanted to get close in the first place; and it definitely wasn't for just platonic friendship.

          He has a new girlfriend whom he said that he hasn't told her that he + I were serious
          Already hiding things from the new girlfriend. Men will try to tell you that they didn't think it was serious enough to say so, but a real man will be honest because he cares about his woman's feelings.

          I told him if he won't tell her then I will not be part of his life
          Since you are asking for opinions, I'm going to say that you shouldn't be in his life anyway, whether he has a girlfriend or not. The only reason why you two want to keep each other close is "just in case" something more might develop again OR if one of you gets horny, you know that you have easy access to each other. This "friendship" that you want to believe you two have doesn't appear to be genuine.

          Think about it this way, if they were to continue on to a serious relationship:
          1) How awkward do you think it would be to attend their wedding?
          2) If they get pregnant, how awkward do you think it would be to be at their baby shower?
          3) Do you think you'd be invited to meet the baby?
          4) When they are throwing events at their home (whether it's a bday party, friendsgiving, etc), do you think you'd be invited? If so, how awkward/uncomfortable do you think it would be.. especially with him possibly having to run back and forth trying to make sure you didn't spill the beans?

          You know she knows about you. You know that she has suspicions about you (and knowing how women are, you're already on her shit list)

          My thing is, if you can't invite someone to the most important milestone events without it being awkward or without someone being uncomfortable, that person is not your friend and it's time to let it go. Also, you shouldn't want to be friends with someone who is so shady and is okay with withholding certain information from someone who is supposed to be important to him and someone who is probably going to be on top of you to make sure you haven't said anything you're not supposed to. That ends up becoming tiring and draining to always have to be on guard if you're ever around them. What happens if you three were to go out for a night on the town, get drunk, and you accidentally say something? Now the table flips on you and you're the bad person while they most likely will stay together (this is what usually happens, the girlfriend almost never leaves because the guy has no issue throwing you under the bus). Think of all the possibilities. The cons outweigh the pros of this "friendship."

          Relationships and friendships expire and too many people try to hold onto expired connections because they're always thinking "just in case."

          I don't like seeing women get caught up because of shitty men and their shady ways. I know deep down you know what to do.
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          • OutspokenOne
            OutspokenOne commented
            Editing a comment
            you brought up some very good points

        • #6
          It's difficult to imagine that idea turning into good for anybody.

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          • intensecity
            intensecity commented
            Editing a comment
            The idea of me brushing it under the rug + continuing to be friends? Or him + I being friends?

          • Muestereate
            Muestereate commented
            Editing a comment
            The idea that you can compel him to declare his love for you to a woman he is involved currently involved with. That is a bad idea. It will hurt him and her and probably you.

          • Muestereate
            Muestereate commented
            Editing a comment
            if you want to be his FB, keep it quiet. If you want to be friends you shouldn't try to make a friend do things that will hurt them or other people they love.

        • #7
          Originally posted by Muestereate View Post
          if you want to be his FB, keep it quiet. If you want to be friends you shouldn't try to make a friend do things that will hurt them or other people they love.
          FB as in fuck buddy? We are just friends.... I am not making him hurt anyone....He is the one whose hurting her.... I want him to be honest with if he wants me to be in his life....I don't want it to come up + have her be surprised/upset because he had kept it from her that long.... I feel like him keeping it from her + trying to get me to go along with the lie is having his cake + eat it, too....

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          • #8

            It's funny that he kept on saying that I am acting like this because I have multiple men in my life + feel like I don't need him/ditch the friendship....LOL

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            • #9
              Originally posted by intensecity View Post
              It's funny that he kept on saying that I am acting like this because I have multiple men in my life + feel like I don't need him/ditch the friendship....LOL
              What value does he bring to the table as a platonic friend? This seems like an awful lot of drama to go through to maintain him even at arms length.

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              • intensecity
                intensecity commented
                Editing a comment
                Apart from his shadiness in this situation, he has a good heart, can get me to smile/laugh, + always have fun when we are in contact when there is no tension....

              • intensecity
                intensecity commented
                Editing a comment
                But, things happens for a reason so if he is meant to be in my life then he be....If not, I have to move forward....

            • #10
              Originally posted by intensecity View Post

              FB as in fuck buddy? We are just friends.... I am not making him hurt anyone....He is the one whose hurting her.... I want him to be honest with if he wants me to be in his life....I don't want it to come up + have her be surprised/upset because he had kept it from her that long.... I feel like him keeping it from her + trying to get me to go along with the lie is having his cake + eat it, too....
              After you get this man, would you even want him still? I'd toss out on the side of the road.

              Why encourage him to have an open relationship? Is there anyway you can encourage him to be honest about the past you guys shared? Perhaps you can let her know on instagram or something that he was yours first.
              "He really should have given LaFemme some cash too. It's obvious he was a cheapskate and selfish." -Muestereate

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              • #11
                Originally posted by lafemme View Post

                After you get this man, would you even want him still? I'd toss out on the side of the road.

                Why encourage him to have an open relationship? Is there anyway you can encourage him to be honest about the past you guys shared? Perhaps you can let her know on instagram or something that he was yours first.
                I go back + forth between wanting him back + not.... As of now, I don't due to him wanting to keep up the lie.... People can change, but he would have to really show it....

                I am not encouraging him to have an open relationship....Do you mean by him seeing more than one person or did you mean in him being totally honest? I feel like walking out of his life would be the "encouragement" to get him to be honest with her about our past relationship.... I don't know if it is my place to be the one to tell her that we were together before her.... Plus, I can't seem to find her on IG or FB.... I tried looking before....;-x

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                • #12
                  It sounds like you have feelings for him. If he were to break up with her today and ask you out again, what would you say? If you'd go back to him I'm sure there's a dynamic of sexual tension here but it's problematic because this man seems like he's giving you mixed signals. As a platonic friend, although you may find him good-natured in the long run there's an element of manipulation here. It's like you're being tucked away in the "maybe" category to come back to again but not on a serious or respectful level.

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                  • #13
                    Originally posted by colorfulaura View Post
                    It sounds like you have feelings for him. If he were to break up with her today and ask you out again, what would you say? If you'd go back to him I'm sure there's a dynamic of sexual tension here but it's problematic because this man seems like he's giving you mixed signals. As a platonic friend, although you may find him good-natured in the long run there's an element of manipulation here. It's like you're being tucked away in the "maybe" category to come back to again but not on a serious or respectful level.
                    I do still have feelings for him, but they are lessening over time as well as what is happening now.... If he were to want me back. I wouldn't consider going back to him right away because we both need time to work on ourselves....He definitely needs to work on himself because he started dating her within a month after I ended things.... That was maybe probably 9ish months ago.... Time will tell if he will be in my life again....I don't see him doing anything for a long while or even within this year...
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                    • #14
                      Why did you dump him?

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                      • #15
                        Originally posted by Muestereate View Post
                        Why did you dump him?
                        It seemed like he stopped trying to make the relationship a priority as much as before.... He said he stopped trying because he saw bruises on my upper thigh + assumed I had cheated....I didn't. but he wouldn't believe me.... He did apologize after we broke up of assuming that I was unfaithful....

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                        • #16
                          Are you thinking that since he apologized he would make the relationship a high enough priority a second time around? I don't know how much priority you are looking for but does he treat his new girlfriend with the same amount of priority as you would expect him to treat you? Would it be all right for him to rub all over his ex-girlfriend and pat HER on the ass if you two got back together? Would it be all right if he talked to you about how much he loved her while he was dating you? How would you feel if he got that honest with you?

                          Or are you talking about priority over job or family instead of other girls?

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                          • #17
                            Originally posted by Muestereate View Post
                            Are you thinking that since he apologized he would make the relationship a high enough priority a second time around? I don't know how much priority you are looking for but does he treat his new girlfriend with the same amount of priority as you would expect him to treat you? Would it be all right for him to rub all over his ex-girlfriend and pat HER on the ass if you two got back together? Would it be all right if he talked to you about how much he loved her while he was dating you? How would you feel if he got that honest with you?

                            Or are you talking about priority over job or family instead of other girls?
                            Nah, I am not thinking he would make the relationship a higher priority if we got back together just cuz he apologized for thinking I cheated....He should make it a higher priority anyways if he wants us to be more successful the 2nd time around if it ever happened.... It looks like he treating her as a priority that I would have wanted, but then again she moved in with him because she lived far....He told her that he wouldn't continue dating her if she was going to Uber an hour each way every day to see him.... So, she moved in with him.... He said that is the only reason she is living with him....Naw, it wouldn't be okay to rubbing/pat the ex if we were together.... I am not wanting him to go in details about us being together....I just want him to state the fact that we were serious together + that is it....Not lie + say we only went on a couple of dates.... I only want him to tell her that if we are to be friends.... I wouldn't care what he said about me if we weren't in each others' lives.... I understand that it will hurt if my guy talked to me about how he felt about his ex + details of their relationship....BUT. he should @ least tell me straight up that they were in a full blown relationship if they were friends after the breakup....That's all I want him to say to her...



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                            • #18
                              My opinion is that you gave up the right to tell him how to live his life when you dumped him. Sounds harsh but when people are in a partnership they do have to bend but when your not in a partnership type of relationship they are free. Something that is really hard for a lot of people to accept is that we can't control other people. It's a free country and we can't really be free ourselves any more than we allow others to be free.

                              Pheromones are really enticing because they do give us an illusion of control but it is an illusion. We get predictable reactions with strangers but I've noticed most of my regular friends revert back to their normal selves and emotions. It takes a darn lot of work to really change how people feel about us in a way that is permanent. As soon as we get out of range they are back to being themselves in a short amount of time unless our actions and words match the pheromones.

                              I can appreciate your empathy for the girls' position and possible feelings. I feel bad but it seems he likes her more than you. Tough pill to swallow but someone out there wants to treat you as number one. Most likely it will be someone you too treat like number one. I went to a marriage class once and we talked about 50/50 and the priest leveled with me that it is more like 110/110. Both have to give more than they think they can and more than they have. On a personal note I learned 110/50 don't work either. It lasts longer but so does the pain. Choose carefully.

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                              • #19
                                I know I have no control over him....I am not controlling him....He free to do what he wishes.... I just won't be in his life if he chooses to not tell her....

                                He may or may not like her more than me....But, he did tell me stuff about their relationship....It sounds like he wants to be single + has tried to break up with her, but she'll just change her behavior the next day + make things good until they go bad again....He says she is controlling + catty + jealous ....He is the type to hold onto something longer than he should have....he has told me when we started dating that he tends to cling onto girls he really likes.... Then again, he might actually be happier with her...I will be happy for him if he is....But, it sounds like it is not fulfilling....But, it ain't my business any more.... I just have to move forward + life work it's course....


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                                • #20
                                  This guy is TRASSSHHHH

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